It is not disputed that better communication leads to better understanding. And while non-verbal signals comprise the bulk of communication, we should nonetheless choose our words very carefully.
A common mistake is when we use the phrase “should have” (or shouldn’t have). What we really mean is it would have been better had I not said that, which isn’t the same as saying I shouldn’t have said that.
It is a subtle but important difference because scientifically, everything that has happened should have happened. Why? Because all the conditions necessary for it to happen were present, and not enough of the conditions necessary to prevent it from happening were present, therefore, what happened should have happened.
Accepting that fact can have a tremendous calming effect on our lives. Everything that has happened should have happened. Again, that is not the same as saying it would have been better had it not happened.
Oftentimes, it isn’t “I should or shouldn’t have”, but he shouldn’t have said that or she shouldn’t have done that. The fact that he said it or she did it means he should have said it or she should have done it.
Once we can accept that, we can begin to deal with it in a rational manner. If we can’t accept the fact that it should have happened, then we usually get angry and/or go into blame mode, which makes problem solving difficult, if not impossible.
Epictetus, the Roman slave turned philosopher taught that there are certain things you can control and certain things you can’t control, and you must know the difference. We can’t control what has already happened and focusing on past injustices, real or imagined, won’t change them and is counterproductive. Again, that is not the same as trying to learn from them or prevent them from happening again.
I bring this up because I recently met a man who is uninsurable. He lamented that he should have bought life insurance before he was diagnosed with cancer. I thought about that and concluded that what he really meant was that it would have been better had he bought the insurance before the diagnosis. Because the fact is, all of the conditions necessary for him not to buy were present and not enough of the conditions necessary for him to buy were present, therefore, he should have done what he did, which was to not buy insurance.
Larry Wilson, founder of Wilson Learning Corporation and The Pecos River Learning Center said it best when he said “We have to quit “shoulding” on ourselves and we have to quit “shoulding” on others.